As a first-time mom, I thought I heard just about every tip and story that would leave me fully prepared on what to expect while pregnant and beyond.
However, there are a few things that I encountered from the time I started labor until now that seemed to go unmentioned… Perhaps they are things that are so unflattering and embarrassing that the experienced moms didn’t have the heart to mention. Perhaps they erased them from their memory…
This is for you first-time expecting moms – I’m gonna do you a solid and warn you of the embarrassing and gross things that are coming soon.
Below are six “what to expect” things that I can’t leave unmentioned.
1 :: Push like you’re pooping.
I know. Gross. I told you I wasn’t going to hold anything back… A friend gave me this advice and it really didn’t click until I was back down, legs up on the delivering table pushing like I’ve never pushed before. I felt like my head was going to explode and my eyeballs were going to pop out of their sockets. This is when I remembered that little tip… So I tried it. I pushed like I was pooping. That’s when the nurses exclaimed, “You’ve GOT it! Keep going JUST like that and this baby will be out in no time!” From that moment on, I pushed and pushed (like you know what), and that baby was out in 90 minutes.
2 :: You will most likely poop on the delivery table.
While on the topic I thought I’d just keep going… While pushing (like you know what), I had the sensation that I had actually gone on the delivery table. I shouted, “OMG. Did I just poop?!” The nurses ignored me until I asked them again. Their response, “Don’t worry, about 90% of women do it. We just wipe it off the table and move on.” Mortifying. Absolutely mortifying. I suppose that’s what should be expected when you’re pushing like a champ. It happened three more times. That I know of…
3 :: You will rock sexy mesh underwear.
When it’s time to urinate for the first time after delivery, the nurse will be in the bathroom with you. She’ll watch you go, then hand you a water bottle filled with warm water. I think you can imagine where you’re squirting that water. Your naughty bits have been completely traumatized, so handle with care… Spray and pat… Oh, but that’s not all. Then the nurse hands you a GIANT maxi pad, that I believe was originally created for Andre the Giant. You’ll situate that giant pad into the one-size-fits-all mesh “underwear” that you’ll be wearing until you leave the hospital.
4 :: Your modesty is left on the delivery room table.
Your hospital room is pretty much a revolving door used by round clock nurses, doctors, “hosts”, room service, photographers, guests, etc. After reading 1-3, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the fact that I didn’t really care that half the hospital saw my breasts.
5 :: That baby is yours.
I always envisioned that my baby would look just like me and we would have an instant bond as soon as she was placed into my arms. This might happen for some, but for me, at the first meet-and-greet, it didn’t quite sink in that the child that just came out of me actually belonged to me. Even after a month it’s still hard to fathom that my husband and I made her, she grew in my stomach, and now she’s here in the flesh, in my arms. It’s a crazy, weird miracle.
6 :: You won’t sleep.
I’m sure you’ve heard this from everyone. I did too. I thought I’d reiterate because it’s true. And if your baby cries more than you imagined (like mine does) then you’ll be frazzled and tired. Scratch that. You’ll be frazzled and tired even if your baby doesn’t cry more than you had imagined. There have been times that I’ve tried to convey a message to my husband. Words came out of my mouth, but the words didn’t go together to form a sentence. He just sits there looking at me like I’m speaking another language. I am. It’s called: my-brain-is-spinning-in-circles-but-my-head-is-staying-still language. He’s starting to pick it up.
I’ll leave you with those, expecting moms. We don’t want to spoil all of the fun, do we? Unless any of you experienced moms have something to add…